Posted in Writing

Stupid

I had another entry I wanted to put up. Two, in fact. But I can’t do either, because I have convinced myself they’re terrible. Maybe they are, maybe they’re not, but I left it too long to finish the first one up, then did the same with the second, and when I leave it too long the doubts come in.

This happens in a lot of things with me. March is when my parents wedding anniversary is, and every year I make them a card, because I like to do craft stuff sometimes. Every year I make the card well in advance, and every year I end up making them a completely different one at the last minute, because I’ve spent so long looking at the old one I’m convinced there’s something wrong with it.

And that’s what happened with my blog posts. So I’m putting this one up instead. Hopefully.

I don’t think this is all necessarily a bad thing. As I say, maybe the other ones are terrible, maybe it’s a very good thing I couldn’t put them up. At the moment, I’m not in a place where I can truly judge, I’ll need to not look at them for a while before I can really decide whethere or not they’re worth it, or if I should scrap them. Sometimes we do say or write things, and then look back at them later and it’s just embarrasing. Sometimes it’s worse than embarrasing, but these posts are stupid at worst, with the topics I am talking about. A little bit of doubt in what I’m writing is good, it’s a protection.

But it can be a bad thing, if I let it get too strong. There is a risk that I’ll open them again some time from now, decide that with some editing they’ll be OK, and then go straight back to this point. I made this blog with the decision that I was going to do proper blog posts, and I will force myself to keep that up. I always feel a degree of worry when I post something, but I just have to keep reassuring myself that “The worst you’re going to sound is stupid, and being stupid doesn’t make you a bad person”. That’s a weird reassurance when I type it out, but it’s true. Everyone sounds stupid sometimes. There’s worse things in life.

But I still don’t want to put those up right now, so this is a post I’ve done instead of those two, explaining why it has taken me so long, because I was struggling with writing them and trying to convince myself they were OK, and I ultimately failed. But I doubt I’m the only person with this problem – if I’ve learnt anything from too much time on the internet, it’s that something has to be pretty unique to be, well, unique. So I thought I’d write it out, because it makes me feel better when I know I’m not the only one with problems like this, so maybe other people are the same there too. And, to be honest, I have nothing else to put up right now, if it’s not going to be one of the other posts, and I do want to keep this blog going. I don’t want it to just peter out after a few posts.

Anyway, I think overall I’d rather keep these doubts than get rid of them entirely. Ideally, it would be good if I could regulate them better, but I can force myself past them if I try hard enough. I’d rather have to put in that extra effort than put up something I will regret later. I just frustrate myself sometimes when I’ve worked on something, and then I convince myself it’s rubbish when it probably isn’t. The feelings are stronger than usual with these ones so maybe they are rubbish.

So yeah. Those posts may go up here or they may not. Ultimately there’s no harm done in a delay, when this is just a personal blog, but I do think it just bears repeating that saying something stupid isn’t such a terrible thing. Everyone does sometimes. I need to remind myself of that a lot.

So this has been a rambling and somewhat contradictory and probably stupid post… but it’s the best I can come up with right now, so if you’ve read if through, then thanks for giving me the time.

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